Last time, we started a mini-series on conflict resolution, one of the most important life skills that we have to learn. And if you’re leading or influencing others, it’s even more crucial, because how you respond to conflict sets the tone for your team or relationships. The first step is confessing our part of the problem even when the conflict may be 99.99 percent their fault. The next step is listening for the other person’s hurt and perspective.
We think we argue over ideas. But we actually argue over emotions. Anytime there is conflict, somebody got their feelings hurt. Somebody felt abused. Somebody felt slighted. It’s not the ideas that cause the conflict. It’s the emotions behind the idea.
Hurt people hurt people. The more people are hurting, the more they lash out at everybody else. People who aren’t hurting don’t hurt others. Those filled with love show love. Those filled with peace live at peace with others. But people who are hurting inside are going to hurt others. They’re going to lash out.
If you want to be a good salesman, you don’t start with your product. Or if you want to connect with others in any way, you must start with people’s needs, hurts, and interests.
As the Bible says, “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”
Are you so focused on getting others to see your position that you’re not really hearing theirs? You’re too busy speaking and not listening and, as a result, you move further and further away.
You need to shift your focus from your needs to their needs. Conflict resolution starts with the way you look at the situation.
There’s an old saying that goes like this: “Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.” When you’re focused on the needs of the other person and not your own, you’ll grow in compassion and grace and have a better understanding of the situation. Then you can move forward with resolving your conflict.
In leadership, listening for the hurt behind the words isn’t soft, it’s smart. It builds trust, defuses tension, and creates the kind of culture where people feel seen and heard. And that’s the foundation of any strong team.
Let’s put it into practice:
- What are some specific ways you can show genuine interest in others’ needs, especially when emotions are high?
- How can you prepare your heart and mindset to truly listen before entering a difficult conversation?
Excerpt taken from Daily Hope by Rick Warren.